American Gothic (2017)
Written by Stuart Connelly
Directed by Stuart Connelly
2017 - Little Rock Productions
Cast: Ned Luke, Slate Holmgren. Mark Barthmaier. Rochelle Bostrom.
Eclectic Rating: stars
Nothing good. Nothing.
I really hate ripping apart bad movies because, I mean, what if I made a movie and people thought it sucked? Could happen. So instead of bashing every awful thing about this amateur flick I have a different idea. For this movie review I will simply list the films most memorable plot situations. Spoiler alert! But nothing short of watching this movie could really spoil it for you.
1 - Inmate transfer van crashes and two inmates escape. A convenient way to get two convicts out in the open and set up the rest of the plot, but I'm sure I've seen this somewhere before....
2 - Watching the leg-shackled fugitives run was like watching a drunk potato sack race.
3 - If the digital camera work isn't bad enough on its own there is an attempt at some kind of CG. Watch the crows fly over the silo. Reminds me of CG fodder on the Sci-Fi channel.
4 - Just when I was thought we were closing in on the end I paused it for a bathroom break and realized there was 35 minutes to go!
5 - Let me just poke this here 6 inch spike into your neck, which produces copious amounts of blood, then I'll just cauterize the wound with this metal thingy I heated up with my makeshift torch.
6 - Still haven't wrapped my mind around the "backwoods" farm couple who happen to live in a rambling home with brand new cabinets, granite counters and stainless appliances. Must have been a bumper year on the farm.
7 - Yes, we're up to seven. The only well done scene that actually made me feel some kind of emotion was the gal pulling up her pants and crying alone in the back of a van after being raped and tortured. Good scene, but the music sucks! Damnit, you don't dub a touching scene with stupid rhythm synth. Who the hell was in charge of "scoring" on this flick?
8 - The good stuff ended there. Her recounting of the harrowing experience was pretty lame. Acting is second rate throughout.
9 - Ultimately killed for something they didn't do by a sadistic farmer folk, our fugitives exit stage left on the forest floor, with a pathetic slit throat effect rounding out the lousiness of this sad flick.
10 - I can't do ten. If you want to see for yourself just how screwed up a movie can be give this American Gothic a spin. I don't get it, and if you do you might want to consider watching movies made by real talent. Very bad.
And let me finish up with just one thing... why would someone put a padlock on bolt cutters?
If you want to watch a film called American Gothic that is actually worth an hour and a half I suggest this 1988 psychotic horror masterpiece. Enjoy.
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Last Update: 03 May, 2019